【homo eroticism】

The homo eroticismcamera fades in on a man in bowler hat sitting in a chair, half cast in shadow. His gloved hand grips his chestnut hair in frustration as he gazes on the photo of a victim. He sighs as he leans forward, his face now illuminated, revealing our protagonist and a 2nd pair of eyes staring out from his hat.

It's a-me, Mario. And it's-a my partner, Cappy.

The new Mario game has some serious film noir vibes. Fans on Twitter have been picking up on the crooked stink of New Donk City since the game came out, but the idea seems to have solidified with the brilliant help of the Storied podcast. The podcast goes on a journey with co-hosts Sean Ainsworth, Harrison Pink, and Chris Rebbert as they transform famous films, TV shows, and games into other mediums.

Presumably inspired by the recent rumors that an official Super Mario Bros. movie is in the works, the hosts pondered the best method for bringing Mario's pixels onto the silver screen. Sure, the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo might not scream "gritty monochromatic detective drama." But you're clearly just not paying attention (or exploring Photo Mode inSuper Mario Odyssey.)

Because you can color this dame convinced. And baby, let's go places together.

Really enjoying Mario Noir. Some more recent captures :D pic.twitter.com/mKzwVAbu1E

— Charlie (@charliesuh) November 2, 2017

Their proposed script begins with a panning shot over pictures of a smiling Luigi, as Mario grieves over the death of his brother and the better half of their Super Mario Bros. P. I. firm. His voiceover is all tough talk, while maintaining the trademark cartoonish Italian stereotype we've come to love.

But that's all interrupted by the femme fatale, striding into his mushroom-shaped office Sin City-style with bright pink lips in a black and white world. She's got a case for the best damn private detective/plumber in the Kingdom.

What proceeds is your usual Mario game plot, with a damsel in distress who needs the help of a hero to escape a mafia-style boss with tons of goons stalking about town. Bowser, a local land baron in the tradition of Chinatown, is up to his no-good tricks and is trying to marry her and take all her inheritance money.

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In honor of his dead brother, Mario goes on a wild-goose chase to rescue his dame.

Some key scenes include: 1) Mario meeting up with Bowser at a country club, with Bowser intimidating the detective by totally owning his opponent in Wii Tennis while Mario tries to question him, 2) A second femme fatale, in the form of Birdo, who cannot speak English but gives Mario an egg with a key piece of evidence before she's murdered, 3) One (if not several) car chase scenes, in which the cars are replaced with Mario go-karts and the tommy guns replaced with Blue Shells.

But, like any good noir film, the journey ends in deception. As Mario gets deeper into the investigation, eventually managing to kill Bowser, he learns a sickening truth. The Koopa King and Drug Lord Bowser was actually just small pennies compared to the real boss in charge: Princess Peach, who runs the drug operation at the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom. She needed a fall guy. Mario was her guy. Bowser took the fall.

The story closes on Mario as he lays dying, and Luigi emerges from the shadows to give the princess a kiss.

We can imagine it now: Forever the better detective, but always overlooked, Luigi finally has his break. "I'm-a Luigi, number one!" he whispers into his brother's ear, before delivering the final turtle shell to the heart that kills our gritty protagonist.

Now, if that doesn't have you at the edge of your seat, then you ain't livin', sweetheart.